Though I have been in love all my life, I don't always fall in love, if you know what I mean😉. When you make it happen, the feeling is so awesome, but when it breaks,a major part of you just dies.
I was in love once It was great, that day, years ago, she was so happy, I was happy too, though I may not have smiled as much as she did, the reason being that I was overwhelmed. That night she called, and unlike all the other nights, we didn't talk much, in fact we didn't talk at all, we were two souls at the end of the phone, smiling like idiots.. I don't remember much of it, just that we said "I love you" a few times. I said its time to get some sleep, she agreed too, and suddenly she started crying, and I got this really weird(but beautiful) feeling, I was happy as I thought I was the luckiest man in the world to be the recipient of so much love from someone. I wondered how much she'd suffer if this relation was to break.
I was feeling so miserable, and hopeless, for so long, that it resulted in me being frustrated, and disturbed. I began questioning myself. For whom/what am I wasting my life for? Why am I so unhappy? Have I done something wrong? Haven't I suffered enough? I began watching a lot of movies/series, listening to a lot of music, it was far far away from all the mainstream stuff. Dark, stylish, explicit. It helped me in more ways than I can express. It was the time for introspection. I found out so much about myself, and helped me in defining the 'rights' and 'wrongs'. I wasn't just trying to justify my actions, more like I tried to think of the same situation from different perspectives. This really expanded my mind, made me wise. Frustration led to hunger for more knowledge, more of finding out the things that decimated my life. In a way, it was a kind of redemption.
Stage I - Happiness
But I was wrong.
It was me who suffered, like Hell I did.
Stage II - Sorrow
Our relation didn't last long.It was a struggle, from my side, begging her not to leave me, but no matter how much I tried, she said, "this isn't happening, "my father would never allow it", she said, and I cant break his trust". I finally gave up. I couldn't really handle the loss.It was the most wasteful part of my life. I never returned any calls or messages. My phone balance was always zero. I didn't believe in myself anymore. I was in a self imposed exile.Everything I did, was at loss.
Stage III - Frustration
Stage IV - Anger
I was recuperating from all this, getting back to how I was. It still hurt, though I was actually learning to live with the pain. When it really bleeds, is when she refers to me as a 'friend', I'd be like a volcano about to erupt. It was as if she was waiting for me to forget her treason, so that she'd get her 'best friend' back.She was way too afraid that she didn't mind me taking the fall. She also knew I could never hate her. SO, she called more often than she did, and I would listen. Maybe I didn't have the strength to say anything back. So during our long conversations, she'd always bring it up and justify her part. I didn't mind, for the first few times. Then it snapped. I was ANGRY. My voice came out real strong. It wasn't like bullying or trash talking, just pure unadulterated arguments.I got my confidence back. I started believing in myself. And it didn't stop there. I started writing. That was THE YEAR! 2016. .Life was great. I didn't really care about what others would think, maybe because that's how much I believed in my thoughts and views.
Stage V - Back to Normal
The fire that burned, slowly lost intensity, as I found peace. The jolly days were back. This was the part of my life, where I would just maintain my reputation and respect and all the good friends that I had earned. Life was good. I was calm, and cool, like I was, years ago. It didn't feel like I was on fire, but it felt good, it felt 'nice'.
Also my ex-girlfriend, the main antagonist in this blog entry.. :D. If you ask me if I still love her, I can say, without a doubt, that I don't .We don't get to meet each other often, but we call, we talk. We both enjoy our conversations.
So what have I learned from this heartbreak? That it hurts like crazy, and it felt like I was on a roller coaster ride, and that it took a while for me to get back to normal. And her? She got back to normal way too fast. Like I mentioned at the beginning, I was concerned if SHE could handle the heartbreak, and it was me who ended up struggling.
Well, I am not the only one who've had such an experience. I see, and I hear about so many victims. All I have to say is that, it really hurts, but don't ever think its wrong, or a mistake to fall in love, or commit yourself. One beautiful night(in the phone, with no conversation) was worth a year of suffering, if you ask me. My only advice is, don't suffer too much .. lol! .😆.. Just try to get over it, ask yourself the right questions, it will help you find the right answers, and lead you to the right track. There are things far more valuable in life than just one person.